So we initially wanted to do any entire list of upcoming 2014 horror releases that we were excited about and then, well, we realized three, yes, three different Paranormal Activity movies were coming out in one calendar year. Aside from the seven on this list from 2014, save releases that have yet to define a date, 2014 looks rather bleak.
Luckily, though, we were able to find what we define as the gems of the upcoming calendar year. As of today, the twenty-seventh of August, not one of these films can be purchased, hence the reason for the list! Below you will find a host of talent that should get your ass into a seat, even if it happens to be a couch–ours is always open, by the way!
10.) The Black Dahlia Haunting – (Oct. 15, 2013 Release) – Written and Directed by Brandon Slagle
Okay, so this definitely is not where we wanted to place this movie on the list. In fact, just for the leading actress alone, Devanny Pinn, we would have certainly placed this much further up on the list; however, because we define ourselves as pretty bitter bastards, we placed The Black Dahlia Haunting at number ten because, well, we want to review this movie! Not only have we already sung our praise for Devanny Pinn as a certified member of our Hot Mama’s club, she’s just an all around great scream queen. She’s fun to look at, obviously, has a great set of developing acting chops, and just naturally fits into the genre of horror perfectly–and we do not know why! Devanny impressed us more than we could have ever expected in the film VIViD, coincidentally written and directed by the very same man behind this movie. Now do you see why we’re excited? Watch this trailer and you may figure it all out:
Shower scene. Score. Whoops, we mean, for all that it is worth, we find ourselves very excited for this release–not in that way, fuckin’ creepo. We would love to crank out a review on the film for you all prior to its release, but, if we must wait, we will! Both Devanny and Brandon certainly deserve more than the number ten slot on this list, and in our heart of hearts they certainly rank higher! Plus, when you have a woman that looks like this AND loves hookah as much as we do? Yeah, we’re so in. Oh, and don’t forget to click on her awesomeness below to pre-order the movie! You may have to beat us to it, though. Show your support! Trust us!
9.) The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes – Directed by David Bruckner and Written by Daniel Farrands & Casey La Scala
There is so very little that needs to be said about this upcoming release, but, to try and disprove that logic, here we go! First and foremost, this dude already exceeds any list that we could possibly come up with. Bruckner’s segment in V/H/S, one of our favorite films to date, started the experience off in such a way that very, very few others could match. Amateur Night, Bruckner’s installation in V/H/S, proves why we have zero reservations about this film being made: he can scare the hell out of you with old ideas that have, for the most part, gone sour. How many other directors can you think of off of the top of your head that can make vampires terrifying again? We can think of two: one in front of you and the other lost in the sea that is The ABCs of Death. Dario Argento, you say? Get the fuck out of here. The second he mentioned 3D, we asked “What the fuck?”
Back on track, we appreciate his style because, very much like The Soska Sisters, Bruckner understands the necessity to keep character interaction on screen as natural as can be. Sure, the characters on the screen may be annoying as fuck at times, but who isn’t? Hang out with Kyle for one day, no, ten hours, and you’ll hear more talking about shitty movies than you’ll get at any film festival, well, ever. We have little knowledge if the picture above corresponds with the film at all–and, to be honest, we don’t really care. Bruckner has already proven himself to us lowly horror fans that write things on websites and stuff. Consider some seats already reserved, David! We trust you with such a classic idea, and that really does speak volumes!
8.) Mercy - Directed by Peter Cornwell and Written by Mark Greenberg (Short by Stephen King)
Just as with the former member on the list, Mercy, thus far, reveals very little but contains what appears to be an enormous amount of potential. Mark Greenberg, writer of solid submissions including 1408 and Halloween: H2O, tends to do a fantastic job when it comes to writing quality scripts. Peter Cornwell, most notably known forThe Haunting in Connecticut, lost us with his first debut film just previously mentioned; however, every director deserves a second chance, and, for the most part, The Haunting in Connecticut grows on you with each viewing. Also, for all you James Wan fans out there, the last couple of movies that he created, more or less, stem from this film that dates back a couple of years before Insidious came onto the scene. While Wan’s films are certainly different in a multitude of different ways, Cornwell must be credited with reconnecting us to our New England horror roots. If Mercy is anything close to what we hope it will be, both King and the not-so-fine fellows at The Goreterly will be singing praise for days, as we like to say to ourselves, alone, with little else going on. Keep up the good work, Peter! Your time will come–and very soon, at that!
7.) Poltergeist – DIrected by Gil Kenan and Written by David Lindsay-Abaire
So, yeah, we used the picture from the original, but only to hammer home one solid point: This movie fucking sucks. It did back then, it does now, and I could give two shits about how this film influenced another shitty series of films aptly titled Paranormal Activity Whatever-the-fuck-number-they-are-on-now. Though, I must say, this movie did spawn a few good one-liners, including anything from the mouth of Zelda Rubinstein and, as you all heard in your head when you saw the picture, “They’re here!”
What excites us most about this film, aside from making it better in a remake, which rarely occurs, stems from the rather short CV of the director and writer respectively. Though they have an abundance of experience in family films, both, at least by their list of previous achievements, appear to be lacking in the horror department. Is this a problem? Possibly. But we think it is worth the risk, especially given the terrible showings as of late on the big screen. The director, Gil Kenan, could take this in a direction that redefines how we view all of these shitty poltergeist-like movies coming out as of late. How he will win us over: Found-footage style camera work in a few of the scenes. Please show people what a true poltergeist movie should look like! There are only so many times an audience can watch a person magically being dragged up stairs by a force of evil. We get it. That shit was interesting back when The Changeling first hit the scene, not thirty-odd years later.
6.) The Quiet Ones – Directed by John Pogue
We caught wind of this upcoming release just last week. Aside from the fact that it acts as a perfect transition from our last diatribe on Poltergeist, the idea actually sounds like something we can get behind. From the tiny bit of information out on The Quiet Ones, it would appear that the film circulates around a university professor that assembles a team in an attempt to create a poltergeist. Oh, and Jared Harris is in the film. Yep–reason enough for us! This one may well surprise you, so keep an eye on this!
5.) Truth or Dare - Directed by (the amazing) Jessica Cameron
What could we possibly say about Jessica that we have not already blabbed on this blog? To keep this short, Jessica, in our eyes, is part of the horror resurgence that we are all waiting to see. Her talent, both behind the camera and in front of it, really speaks volumes as to why we love her so! She commands respect, holds herself very well next to some of the ‘iconic’ horror directors, and is, well, DAMN fun to long at. Do yourself a favor and read our promo page for Truth or Dare, and, why you’re at it, see how much we loved her in Mr. Hush. Whether she meant to or not, she certainly gained lifetime fans.
What’s best about Jessica is her vision. While the torture genre within horror certainly took a beating over these last few years, her addition looks to be terrifying in that this could actually happen. Isn’t that why we continue to watch these films anyway? Also, if it weren’t enough that Jessica stars in the film, so, too, does Devanny Pinn (hot mama as seen above) and Heather Dorff (newest member of the Hot Mama’s Club). Pair these fine women with a good story and excellent direction? Gold.
We also may or may not have just ordered our copy of the DVD and, no, NOT just for the picture–we’re not that weird. You’d like to do the same? By all means:
4.) The Sacrament - Written and Directed by Ti West
So we decided to go with the picture above because, well, two of our proverbial ‘heroes’ are included: Joe Swanberg and A.J. Bowen. Recognized for their most recent contribution in the fantastic You’re Next, both of these dudes are, to put it simply, the shit. Joe Swanberg brings such a sense of calm to the screen, as evidently observed in this group’s feature-length film A Horrible Way To Die (We’re reviewing it soon–settle down). We say ‘group’ very loosely because, as of right now, we cannot speak to whether or not the rest of the entourage will be on the big screen. That aside, Bowen, on the other hand, and in another West film, coincidentally, commits one of our favorite on-screen shootings of all time. Also, both actors’ in A Horrible Way To Die put on two fantastic performances. Seriously, try to find two other people who could make that movie genuinely that creepy. Yeah, we couldn’t come up with any either.
All of this time and we still have yet to mention the director, Ti West. Truth be told, we could write an entire piece on each of his films, and will do so one day, but, for the time being, check out what we have to say about him in our Top 10 Directors You Should Be Excited About list. Curious as to why this may well be? For your awesome eyes only, here’s the trailer for The House of the Devil–take notes:
This directing style, paired with some production bumps from one Eli Roth, should help project this movie into our cannon of solid horror films. Secretly, it’s already there–we’re that confident in this man’s abilities.
3.) The Green Inferno – Directed by Eli Roth
You know, we’ve been seeing a ton of horror fans guzzling down Haterade when it comes to Eli Roth over the past couple of years. Many are labeling him as talentless and guilty of turning a ‘good movie bad’ by creating a much-needed sequel, but we feel differently. First: Fuck anyone who thinks that. Sorry, but that’s just where it stands. Eli has proven time and time again that he can hold his own behind the camera. In fact, he could have went in any direction with film that he wanted to, having attended NYU, after all. Instead, to the dismay of some idiots, he decided to make good, quality horror films and, like it or not, he really brought back the torture genre within horror that we all know and love.
When we first heard of The Green Inferno, most of our members were dumb enough to believe that the movie would be about a green fucking superhero or something. Not Kyle, though, as he loves to point out. He mentioned or ‘educated us,’ as we let him believe, that The Green Inferno does, in fact, come straight from the film that we imagine this entry used as a great reference point: Cannibal Holocaust. Now, we wish it were a secret how much Roth loves Cannibal Holocaust. Aside from casting Ruggero Deodato in Hostel: Part II, Roth can be seen here, on the set of his second installment of the aforementioned, sporting a shirt that we only wish we could get our hands on:
Either way, no matter what the few will say, Eli Roth will forever be one of our favorite dudes, um, ever. His passion, excitement, and, most of all, what he brings to horror is genuinely not matched by any other director on this list–we’re sorry, but these are the facts. Eli will continue to surprise us well into the future and, with hope, we’ll meet this man–if Santa still exists, we’ll be working with him! Also, the dude knows his boobs.
2.) The ABCs of Death 2 - Written and Directed by Various (Maybe even including us!)
Yep, so we went a little scrub on you all and re-used the picture from the first film. Deal with it. We actually define ourselves as anthology whores, and we actually wrote a rather detailed piece on the first installation, so check that out instead–The ABCs of Death–and be sure to vote your ass off for The Goreterly’s first short/submission to the big time! We’d LOVE to be featured in the same film as those hot mamas, The Soska Sisters. We only mentioned them twice in this blog post–so far!
1.) See No Evil 2 - Written and Directed by The Twisted Twins (Jen and Sylvia Soska)
You know, as we progress down the list, the entries become far easier to describe because, for the most part, our favorite directors tend to produce the best shit. Jen and Sylvia, where the hell do we even begin? Well, these two places seem to be a great start, scratch that, three places: American Mary, Top 10 Directors to Be Excited About, and Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Yeah–we might enjoy what they do JUST a bit!
To start, where can you go wrong? Kane, way back when WW…whatever it is now used to be WWF, was the fuckin’ man. Watching this man perform on stage, albeit next to The Undertaker, always brought a smile to our faces. He’s a creepy dude–there is no way around that. But we just so happen to love creepy, which is maybe why these girls appeal to us so much. Pair these two together and what are you left with? One movie that we are dying to see and review–fingers crossed before the rest of you slags!
We honestly have too many wonderful things to say about these two. As fans from years prior to their recent surge of success, these two are the future of horror. The reason we decided to even attempt making our short stems from our respect and admiration for these two. So, for what it’s worth, you two, thanks for making us chase our dreams! We’ll never be able to repay you.
…and they are both smokin’ hot! WE HAD TO! (But, seriously, thank you!)
What we aren’t so excited to see:
Anything to do with Paranormal Activity.
Any additional sequels to Insidious.
The alleged Jaws reboot.
Channing Tatum–ever again. He starred in Magic Mike. You’re going to support that?!